How To Control Your Anger Part 2
Why We Get into the Anger Habit
Anger is our response to stress. Many times we feel anger to avoid
feeling some other emotion, such as anxiety or hurt. Or we may feel angry when
we are frustrated because we want something and can't have it. Sometimes,
feeling angry is a way of mobilizing ourselves in the face of a threat.
Anger may be useful because it stops (blocks) stress. Here are two
examples:
1. You are rushing all day in your home office to meet an
impossible deadline. Your daughter bounces in after school and gives you a big
hug as you furiously type on your computer. You snap, “Not now! Can’t you see
I’m busy?”
2. You have just finished taking an important exam. You have
studied for weeks and the result is very important to your career. You fantasize
all the way home about dinner at your favorite Italian restaurant. When you get
home, your husband has prepared a steak dinner for you. You yell, “Why don’t you
ask me before you just assume you know what I want?”
This explains why people often respond with anger when they
experience the following kinds of stress:
• Anxiety
• Being in a hurry
• Being overstimulated
• Being overworked
• Depression
• Fatigue
• Fear
• Feeling abandoned or attacked
• Feeling forced to do something you don’t want to do
• Feeling out of control
• Guilt, shame, or hurt
• Loss
• Physical pain
What to Do Instead of Getting Angry
Here are some constructive things can you do to reduce
stress—instead of becoming angry:
• Beat a pillow with a tennis racket.
• Cry.
• Do relaxation exercises.
• Get physical exercise.
• Listen to your favorite music.
• Make a joke.
• Play games.
• Say it out loud.
• State your needs assertively.
• Take a nap.
• Tell a friend about it.
• Work.
• Write about it.
New Responses to Stress
An angry response often results when we are unhappy with someone
else’s behavior. Here are some other responses you can choose instead of flying
off the handle:
1. Set limits. Let’s say a friend hasn’t returned a
book you loaned to her. Now she wants to borrow another one. You could say, “I’m
not going to be able to lend you this book until you return the first one.”
2. Don’t wait. When you realize that you’re feeling
annoyed by a situation, speak up. Don’t wait until your annoyance escalates to
anger.
3. Be assertive. Say in a positive way what you want
from the other person. For example, say, “Please call me when you get home,”
rather than, “Would you mind giving me a call when you get there?”
4 Ways to Stop the Spiral of Anger
1. Call a time-out. This is a very effective technique
for breaking the sequence of behavior that leads to a blowup. It works best if
it is discussed ahead of time and both people agree to use it. Here’s how it
works: Either person in an interaction can initiate time-out. One person makes
the time-out gesture like a referee in a football game. The other person is
obligated to return the gesture and stop talking.
2. Check it out. If anger is a response to personal
pain, it makes sense to ask the other person, “What’s hurting?”
3. Make positive statements. It may be helpful to
memorize a few positive statements to say to yourself when your anger is being
triggered. These statements can remind you that you can choose your
behavior instead of reacting in a knee-jerk manner—for example, “I can take care
of my own needs,” “His needs are just as important as mine,” and “I am able to
make good choices.”
4. Be prepared with a memorized response. Here are a
few statements and questions which will help deescalate anger:
• What’s bothering me is...
• If it continues like this, I’ll have to
to take care of myself.
• What do you need now?
• So what you want is...
Suggested Reading
Matthew McKay, Peter Rogers, and Judith
McKay, When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger
Publications, 1989.
Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden, Of
Course You’re Angry (Second Edition). Center City, MN: Hazelden Foundation,
1997.
Carol Tavris, Anger: The
Misunderstood Emotion. New York: Touchstone, 1989.
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